That crazy thing called life.

Suffering.

Im just suffering through whatever it was that just happened to me. This thing that took over my life. I may not have had all the time i deserved but those nights that i wasnt alone were worth it. Not being scared was worth it. You were my addiction, and when you held me in your arms it was like my fix. I was only satisfied untill you let go and then i was feigning for more. Those nights you would hold me when i cried. Or kansas city where the morning before my breakdown we compares eye color and laughed at the pictures we were drawing. We spit off the balcony to see if we could reach anyone below us.
But then the breakdown. I ran ahead of everyone the minute that elevator  door opened. After enduring an agonizing ride full of ridicule. I knew the tears were coming i could see the colors start to blur just before i opened our door and bolted for the bed.  I instinctively curled into a ball the minute i touched the bed. Through my loud sobs i could hear the clicking of the door, and you all coming into the living room. Then i could hear you pondering what to do. Eventually you opened the door. And i could feel your weight on the edge of the bed. I looked up and tryed to explain through sobs but nothing was coming out. I had no idea why i was crying. And i couldn’t tell you. But you came to me anyway and held me for what felt like forever, just while i cried and sobbed into your chest. And it wasnt untill now that i know why i was crying. Because up untill that point we were perfect. It was perfect. Just how it was supposed to be. But the minute we started arguing, it reminded me of reality. And i hated reality. I was reminded how fake we are. And how confusing my real life was. That moment i wasnt in my fairy tale anymore. And i was scared for the ending. And you held me while i cryed, because that one thing i loved about you. And you knew that. You know what makes me better. You knew things about me even i didnt know. But this right now is what i was so scared of. Being alone in my bed, and you not being there, and having noone to cry too. I am suffering.

So you text me and you wanna hang out. You call me babe. And you want me to want to be with you. But then you show up here with her. And my heart slowly crumbles to pieces. I dont know what to do. And i stare.up at the disco ball searching for awnsers but finding myself in an out of body experience where im just in my crazy beautiful mess of a life.

I try so hard to come up with ways to not feel the pain, i close my eyes when i see you with her. I smile and act like im having a great time, but thats all fake. I block out the pain and numb myself so that i dont have to feel dirty guilt. And the pain of you not loving me anymore. But tonight, i want to feel it. I want to feel the hurt, i want to remember what youve done, so that i don’t fall for you again. I want to let it seep into my heart, let the pain surge through my veins. I don’t want to defend you, and name excuses. I’m not going to lie to myself anymore. I’m not going to write you off. For the first time I’m going to make myself believe in the truth. I am hurt. I feel pain. I am human. And i want to start acting like it. This isnt a make believe world that we live in. And im not gunna sit here and pretend im happy when im not. Im not going to let the tears fall untill later, but you know my fake smile better than i do, theres no hiding the pain, its written all over my face. Tonight im letting the pain in so dont hold it back lay it on me hard.